Friday, September 14, 2012

the challenge is one that we are willing to accept

Actually – no use pretending. I am made numb by the pain of being just another someone, and this pain turns into a selfish-baby rage within me. Not saying it is in any way morally right of me to feel selfish-baby raging, right? Just noting the fact that I have those feelings. Confessing, even, perhaps.

Bless me Father for I have sinned; it has been forever since my last confession. I am guilty of the sin of confusing my emotions and, instead of the pain I really feel, being all raging and horrible, like a selfish, self-centered, shit of a human being.

Amen. Perhaps a few Pater Nosters will do the trick, what-what?

But seriously, folks. I have real emotion issues, I do. Which emotions is it okay to feel and which are not so okay, and which should be transmogrified into some other emotion, and what’s more, why  (anger, for instance – my anger in particular – is scary, for I honestly believe it so destructive it will cause the end of the world. No, I won’t press the big red button, or even go mauling people in taxi queues or something similarly pathetic-wee-evil-trying-to-be-spectacular, you understand. I mean this is how I feel about my anger, you ken? My anger is so very dangerously destructive and, hence, so very forbidden, that it is going to bring about the end of the world, if unleashed (as in allowed to come to the surface where I actually experience it), just by its mere existence. Oh I am omnipotent enough, to be sure. )

Anyway, yes. My mother’s dying, I didn’t tell you that. It’s shit, there’s no two ways about it. This doesn’t really make me any more capable of handling stuff (ah, my words doth carry the eloquence of a true poet, what). And then there’s the new meds (I did tell you about those); I have had my dose doubled, ladies and gentlemen. For a wee while, I expect to feel some side effects. The nice’n’lazy unreal-or-drunk feeling I told you about went away – sigh – and hasn’t returned, at the time of writing; instead, boringly, I expect I will be feeling quite volatile for a time.

As if I needed more fucking emotions to deal with, Jesus. 

This is my blog and I am hence allowed to be maudling, self-centred and pathetic here, okay? Thank you.

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