Wednesday, February 28, 2007

My evening off

I tend to overfill my calendar. It sucks. I want to sit at home and vegetate antisocially, reading, knitting, or watching telly, or ANYTHING that doesn't involve going anywhere to do anything with anyone.

Last night was my night off. Generally it's supposed to be filled with blissful nothing from 4 pm, followed by a sauna at 9 pm and one ritual can of dry cider. After which, the rock'n'roll monster that I am, I nod off in front of the telly for a moment and go beddie-byes. Instead, I did two loads of laundry, washed three days worth of dishes, hung my two loads of laundry up to dry, cooked a vegetable quiche and fetched my fucking laundry in. And had a sauna. Is it any wonder, after all that splashing, that I continue to feel a bit weak & watery, quite washed out, a little watered down?



nmj said...

anna mr, sorry you are feeling watery & washed out, wish i could have joined you for the quiche & sauna (do you all have saunas in your house over there?), a sauna would be divine, would clear my muffled head, but i would swap the can of cider for a can of cheap white wine if there is such a thing... you are lucky your laundry is done, mine is stacking up, i just couldn't bear the sound of the washing machine just now x

Anna MR said...

This is actually my first town-house sauna, not in my flat though, but across the yard. It's positively ├╝bernice to have one. We'll sort you out with a sauna eventually, nmj my dear. And some white wine too.


"...I want to sit at home and vegetate antisocially... ANYTHING that doesn't involve going anywhere to do anything with anyone..."

I know exactly how you feel, Anna Mr. I keep my calendar entirely empty - I'm not joking - and yet I still nearly always feel like this. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way - although, it has to be said, that there is absolutely nothing wrong with shutting yourself off from the world if this is what you want to do. Maybe not to the extent that I do it, right enough, but don't be feeling bad for allowing yourself this time on your own.

Do be feeling bad about spending it doing laundry, however. Have you lost your mind?

So, no. It is not surprising that you feel watery and washed out. You need to be kinder to yourself, Anna Mr.

More sauna, less laundry. Your new motto.

Kind regards etc


Anna MR said...

Thank you for your kind support, Mr Periodic. Where does the Englishman come from, then - I have understood the Welsh, Scots, and Irish connections?

Uh-oh. I asked you a question. But I don't mind you rambling on my comments page, so feel free to reply.


Anna Mr, that was an exceptionally beautiful and painful post you have just written (03/03/07): "Coming Too Close to God, or How Art Knows the Meaning of Life...."

I don't want to go and spoil it with a comment right now, but I'll probably need to come back to it.

Anyway, hello again. I'm glad you don't mind me rambling in your space, I'm feeling a wee bit touchy about that just now. So I'm happy to hear that it doesn't bother you. Wait. RAMBLING? What the hell is that supposed to mean? I don't ramble, I merely go on at length in a most fascinating and uplifting manner. Sometimes coherently, even.

Man, are you going to regret asking about the English thing, though. It's to do with cricket, Anna Mr, and if that is not enough to make you want to cry - well, I don't know what else I can try to do in order to hurt you. Ho-hum.

When England play cricket, I support them. When England play cricket, I not only support them - I very nearly take leave of my senses as I do so. I just LOVE the English cricket team and I always have. Even if they were to play against Scotland, I would still support them. It is a disease, Anna Mr, and there is simply no cure.

I chose this name for myself - The Periodic Englishman - because I felt it accurately described me in times of high stress (or, namely, when England play cricket). In these moments, my Scottishness falls from me and is of no consequence. I am English through and through. I have no English blood, and I am a Scottish nationalist (the fluffy caring internationalist kind) normally. So, basically, yeah, I really need to get my shit together. You did ask.

I'm not sure how you will be feeling today, Finland, but your latest post suggests a certain existential melancholia. Hang in there, you are so very far away from being alone in this.

I'll be back soon to see how you're getting along. I know, it's almost unbearably exciting, isn't it?

Kind regards etc....

(we used to have a sauna when I was just a tiny baby Englishman - magic)


Why does it say I commented at 1.28am? It's not even midnight, yet. Frightened.

Anna MR said...

Mr Periodic, thank you for satisfying my idle curiosity with such eloquence. Cricket is not my thing although I have been asked to join the Finnish Women's Team, a few years back when such an anomaly was invented. I had to decline as I live in mortal fear of the cricket ball. (The person doing the asking tried to convince me to join anyway, as at that time, they were only using a tennis ball. I replied with "That won't be forever though, will it?" to which he had no answer.)

Apologies for the "rambling", poor choice of word. You are welcome any time to leave your lengthy and interesting commentary, oh internationalist of the British Isles.

Anna MR said...

PS Re time signature - either you have stayed up later than you realised, or you have entered a time warp, or it stamps it in EET (Finnish time, +2 compared to the British Isles)

nmj said...

hey anna mr, allow me to have a word with PE ... dearest PE, are you hiding in finland? we have not seen you for ages, is your move to scandinavia permanent?


NMJ - yes, it looks like I am hiding in Finland. I'm making up for mistakes made many years ago. When I used to go inter-railing in my wafer thin youth, I only ever made it to Denmark, Sweden and Norway. I feel Finland kind of missed out on me, and so I'm just trying to make the Finns feel less bad about themselves for my youthful oversight. They really took it badly at the time, if memory serves. Questions were raised in the Finnish parliament. Yes.

But my love for you remains undimmed, NMJ, and all of the snow in a wintery Helsinki would never be enough to cool my ardour and longing for you. I'll be over soon.

Anna Mr - my love for you remains undimmed and all of the snow in a.....okay, okay. How are you doing today? I was interested to see a comment NMJ left on your most recent post (the one I mentioned earlier). Referring to the line "it's all too beautiful", she said something about trying to enjoy it whilst you can - as if this was a good thing.

Oddly enough, I read it entirely differently. When I find things "too beautiful", this is often when the agonies of life kick in, hard. And even though it is all too beautiful, I just need it to stop because it simply overwhelms me with sadness. I'm not saying that this is a good thing, just how it is for me. Anyway, I found it interesting that we (NMJ and myself) could extract such different meanings from such a seemingly simple sentence.

Don't tell anyone, but I'm scared of cricket balls, too. I used to be pretty good - marvellous, even - at cricket, until I got clunked on the head by a ball (I was trying to play a dangerously virile shot and the ball just rolled up my bat and thwocked me). Disastrously painful. I may even have emitted a teeny tiny squeal, Anna Mr. But I doubt it.

The fact that there is (or was?) a Finnish cricket team and you were asked to join, well, this is very pleasing news indeed. Less pleasing that you declined the invitation, but I understand your reasons. I'm just delighted to hear that cricket is actually being played in Finland. Terrific news. Almost good enough news to make me forget that it is after half past three in the morning and I am still not asleep.

I'm in bed, but still wide awake. Don't tell NMJ - I think she would simply die with excitedly lusty thoughts. She's a bit like that, really, truth be told. Poor thing.

Anyway, I need to be up early tomorrow, so I'll bugger off and try to get to sleep. My girlfriend sleeps so easily and heavily. I resent this, and sometimes wake her up to tell her as much.

Kind regards etc...

Oh - the time signature thing. I'm not sure that I could have asked a more stupid question if I tried. What a cretin. But of COURSE it is Finnish time. Why wouldn't it be? I hate myself sometimes.

nmj said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
nmj said...

hey again dearest anna mr, that was me deleting mistakes...just need to chat to PE, you probably know by now that his eccentric (but most lovable) way of blogging means that a lot of conversations with him take place on others' blogs, and now it seems to be your turn, i think this is, in fact, an honour. PE, the 'all too beautiful sensation' can be agonising, i agree, but it is also what makes life bearable, no? . . .also, did you know scottish cricket is doing quite well just now, i heard it through the grapevine?


I just LOVE to imagine you finding out about cricket through the grapevine, NMJ. What grapevine? How? Where? When? Brilliant. Makes me smile contentedly to think of cricket information sticking in your head - however hard you may try to dislodge it. And yes, Scotland are in the Cricket World Cup. Hurrah.

Hello Anna Mr - I hope you're feeling good today. Me and NMJ are about to discuss you and your words, try not to be alarmed.

NMJ - you're right, of course. The All Too Beautiful thing can be miraculous and uplifting and life-affirming and, well, simply beautiful. I was just interested to note that my immediate and instinctive reaction to Anna Mr's use of this turn of phrase was to think "oh oh, she's in pain". And not only that, but in the kind of pain that I fully understand - even if I remain unable to articulate it.

Whether this is the case or not, only Anna Mr can say for sure. But whatever her meaning, it was curious to see our different reactions to it, don't you think? I just find that even in the highest of times - especially in the highest of times, in fact - I am forced to fight a rearguard action against crushing sadness. It is the very beauty itself that sticks a knife in the heart. It is all too beautiful to understand, to make sense of, to enjoy. It is all too much, really.

A curious example of this: when my girlfriend is happy about something, or just singing to herself, or mucking about with the dog - I am immediately and simultaneously both happy and bereft. Happy because she is happy, and I love her, and the moment is sweet. Bereft, crushed, sad or whatever, because I know she has to die, that it can't last, that her goodness will be taken from the world. And that doesn't seem fair, so I rail against it, losingly. It's mad, isn't it?

I firmly believe, however, that it is possible to feel both happy and sad at exactly the same time. EXACTLY the same time. It is unsettling, to say the least. Maybe this dichotomy helps to explain our similar, yet totally different, reactions to Anna Mr's words. It is all just part of the same thing, really, isn't it?

Anna Mr - sort this mess out and let us get on with our lives once more. And don't listen to NMJ, by the way. This is not your "turn" to be visited by me - as if I just meet people and move on, forgetting all about those that I encounter. No. I am a fantastically decent kind of guy, as you know, and fully expect to maintain some sort of contact with you for as long as you keep a blog. NMJ knows this, but she is just being jealous and cruel and trying to make out that I'm a flighty creep. I do wish she would learn to feel safe in my love/lust for her. Honestly. And I hope that one day soon I will be able to make you feel safe in the knowledge that I am simply lusting after you, too, Anna Mr. Yes. Phew. That's all sorted, then.

NMJ - how are you today?

Kind regards etc....

Anna MR said...

Mr Perodic, top of the afternoon to you. I have a wee link you ought to enjoy, what with your strange passions:

Of course I expect myself and my blog to be sighed after for evermore. It is lovely, truly, to have you both chatting at my house. Welcome any time, EET, GMT, open all hours. But now, boringly, I must wash up, prepare cauliflower cheese, and rush off for my Russian classes. (When my Russian is good enough, I'll start blogging in Cyrillic. Watch this space.)

nmj said...

Dearest Anna Mr, if you were to blog in Cyrillic, I would look forward to PE responding in Cyrillic!

Darling PE, I have never felt totally safe in love/lust in real life, so am hardly going to feel safe in blogsville, now, am I?! & I was only being polite, explaining to anna mr, that there may be some long chats ahead in her house - this might seem odd to her if she has not experienced it before, that is all, I would never besmirch you in the least, I think you know that deep down. btw I got my Scottish cricket news from my step-dad.

And I don't know about being happy and sad at the same time, but I can be happy and anxious at the same time, that is my default state.


Hey Anna Mr - good to see you. Thanks for the link. I watched a slideshow (far too short) of pictures from the game between Finland and Slovenia in the Twenty20 league. It made me feel a little ashamed to consider that you might be learning Russian whilst I was doing such a thing. A cruel contrast that makes me look dirty and worthless whilst you get to seem all worthy and intellectually curious. Not fair.

Still, this didn't stop me from staying a while longer and checking out the indoor facilities available to cricket loving Finns. Also, I have a new favourite team - Tampere CC. Magic. Now, where on earth have I heard of Tampere before? Hmm. A mystery.

I am also choosing to support Phoenix - the "ladies" team - although I suspect that they will turn out to be rubbish. And I was shocked - SHOCKED - to discover that many teams only play with eight players, as opposed to the recommended eleven. This is due to the quite secret love of cricket that resides in the hearts of Finlanders. They'll learn to show this love in due course. Yes, they will.

And by the way, if you do blog in Cyrillic - then you leave me no option but to learn it as well. It took me well over two hours to absolutely perfect my Finnish one lazy Sunday afternoon, so I dread to think how long this will take me to learn. Still, I'm a trooper.

NMJ - that is simply awful that you have never felt totally secure in love (or lust). I was going to give another example of how happiness and sadness are possible at the same time - it involved Mozart and the agonising joys of solace reached for and missed - but instead just feel like telling you how lovely you are. Mozart can wait. You can at least feel safe that behind any insults I ever hurl in your direction is a growing and irreversible fondness. I think you are fantastic.

You see, Anna Mr, I can be serious sometimes, too.

Kind regards etc....

nmj said...

I am tiptoeing oh so quietly cos anna mr has to get up horribly early for work . . . PE, don't feel bad, I have enjoyed my times of being in love, there have been wonderful times, but I am always wondering when it will all crash, I think this may be a childhood thing, but it also means I have not yet met the lovely man that I should be with. BTW if you and Anna Mr start some private blogging in Russian, I will need an ambulance, I will be laughing so much.


Ha. Good imagery, NMJ. I like the thought of you creeping about quietly because Anna MR is asleep. We would be wrong to disturb her as she sleeps in her igloo and dreams of sunshine. Poor Anna Mr, all shivery up there in the frozen north, constantly menaced by polar bears and tired, just so tired, of having to smash a hole through the ice to catch her breakfast each morning. It hardly bears thinking about, does it, NMJ? We are SO lucky that we both live in the real world, surrounded by filth and crime and angry despair. Our poor little Finnish Eskimo friend can only dream of such comforts, I imagine, as she mutters darkly in Russian under her frozen breath - scanning the barren white wastelands through the sights of her rifle, waiting, with furious hunger, for a flashing glimpse of Santa. If you don't get any presents this Christmas, NMJ, at least you'll know why.

I know what you mean about always waiting for something to crash - I'm like that, too. I just have to force myself to live with these fears and try to enjoy stuff whilst it remains resolutely un-crashed. It's not an easy thing to do, though, is it? In fact, come to think of it, I always fail in my attempts to do so. Ho-hum.

I will join you in the ambulance if Anna Mr starts blogging in Russian. Not through laughter, no. I will be going to hospital to have a big bit of shock removed from my head system. And it will give me somewhere to hide, too, as I try to work out what the hell she is going on about and how best to respond. Scared again, NMJ, scared.

Anna Mr - I will eventually get round to moving on to your next posts, I promise. I see that you have added some stuff about melancholia - the painful beauty of melancholia - that may be relevant to the "debate" at hand. I do like it here, though. Feels good.

Kind regards etc

Anna MR said...

My heart yearns to throw in a few lines in Cyrillic, just to give you to lovelies a laugh. Sadly, it'll have to wait as am currently tying on my snowshoes to rush off to the theatre. If I can avoid the bears, that is.

Mr Periodic, you can chat in any one of my rooms, but if you go very far into the past, you'll have to let me know, as I don't go about checking every post ever posted, and don't have one of those notification thingies set up. The melancholia mention in the last post seemed appropriate as it had been brought up and articulatedly discussed by your good selves. I am probably akin to you in that I feel quite wounded by my peak experiences. Slavic, you see.

nmj my dear, thank you for your kind words about me on your comments page of the other day. Felt I couldn't say anything right there as it would have been akin to blowing my own trumpet - "here I am, I am the one she's talking about, look at me" - know what I mean?

In haste, but with ample love,


Anna MR said...

Sod this - I do think I meant "articulately" rather than whatever it was I said. Duh