Friday, June 15, 2007

The only wisdom we can hope to acquire is the wisdom of humility

I really hate the fact I just wrote long and hard about giving birth. If I didn't have an absolute policy of non-deletion, for reasons of shame tolerance - this is what you are, Anna MR, fucking face it, will you - it would so be gone.

Really, giving birth is nothing. Let yourselves not be fooled. It is absolutely nothing whatsoever, a mere doddle, a passing moment, a sneeze. The real job is in what comes after it, the years when you shouldn't lose track of what the hell it is you're supposed to be doing and achieving, and inevitably, you do.

At least I have. On several extended occasions which is and feels inexcusable.

As does blogging about it.


kurt said...

You are right that it's a function of Life, but that doesn't lessen the power of your telling (Yes, I was so dazzled I pushed the wrong button on my last comment...)

NMJ said...

Anna, Anna, Anna! - your post was lovely, you should not regret the writing of it one bit! I just feel a bit odd about childbirth because I have not done it, and this has not been entirely my choice. I found your post deliciously painful and am glad you wrote it x

Anna MR said...

Kurt - thank you again. I am relatively unconvinced as to the power of my telling, actually - these are powerful things and any attempt to touch them with words is pretty much doomed to fail (at least in the eyes of the teller, you know). I was gently entertained by your pushing of the wrong button, though - hope you don't mind me saying (or feeling!) so...

NMJ petkins - thank you again also. I will always regret and agonise over things that are me, unfortunately, because that's the way I'm made, but what you say means an enormous amount and warms me inside, ok?

hugs to you both and xx one each

Merkin said...

I have a friend who split up with his wife and burnt every photo of her which he had ever taken.
I've kept everything, good and bad.
It happened.
It's part of what makes me.

Just 'write it as you see it' when you want to.
When you don't want to - don't.

Orrabest fae Glesca.

Anna MR said...

Hei, Merkin fae Glesca, how nice to see you here, welcome and tervetuloa.

I am with you in the carrying of life's baggage - I don't delete, burn, rip up (or forget) anything either. In a certain forum, in fact, I have chosen as my motto a line by good old Sammy Beckett, written no doubt in one of his brighter moods, "My mistakes are my life."

And I don't see anything miserable about it either, rather am honest appreciation of the way life and things are.

Thank you for taking part in this thread - your contributions will always be appreciated, dear heart.


Reading the Signs said...

Is this, by any chance, about the sheer cliffs of fall that is the business of parenting teenagers, and the attendant combination of rage and guilt? Just wondered.

Anyway, about the other post - when 'tis written, 'tis written and I for one am glad you can't delete it. It is also, as you have to a certain extent demonstrated, "written on the body" and will not be erased so. So there, really.

Anna MR said...

Perceptive Signs, you read me like an open blog post, in the uncanny fashion of mothers.

Yes, it is indeed. Oh, how I have failed et cetera ad infinitum et nauseam.

Thank you with regard to the non-deletion. My rule book is thin but the deletion rule (or rather, non-deletion) is unbreakable.

Incidentally, "Written on the Body" - isn't that a Jeanette Winterson book? I seem to recall so. I love the way she has certain lines that run through a book - "Walk with me" was one, possibly in the very one here mentioned. Nice stylistic thingamagick, methinks (am very proud of my use of literary lingo there, by the way).

Kissy Signsy, stay yourself now


NMJ said...

Well, it may come as no surprise that I rip everything up.

I have a few things left, here & there.

The ripping up is directly proportional to the pain felt.


NMJ said...

ps. yes, 'written on the body' is a jeanette book, & i can vouch for signs being an 'uncanny mother', i dreamt about her months ago & she was a lovely mother figure in my dream, she comforted me & was wise.

Anna MR said...

Hei, NMJ the Ripper - not sure I had you down as the type that rips'n'rages. Call it half a surprise...

xo kiss & hug, you wild madwoman

(Wise Signs - sorry about this but in your absence we have voted you the Mother of Everything in Bloggyverse. Now sort out my life, please, it sorely needs it.)

kurt said...

hope you don't mind me saying
Anna, I would have felt cheated if you didn't.

BTW, I think you made a judicious choice with the new photo: upgraded to the new look, but still mysterious.

Anna MR said...

Hei, thank you Kurt - the previous photo had too much dark, this one has too much light, as I said to someone before. Glad you like it, though - I'm not very expert at all at playing around with photographic special effect thingies (as I believe the technical lingo expression goes), but I did really like the odd light and the way my face melted into it.

Then I got so horrifiedly worried about how visible it seemed to make me I couldn't go anywhere for days. Hello, and welcome to my bloggyverse of therapeutic angst...


Miranda said...

Please don't worry about what you have written. I think some things are worth the bruises. Your telling of the story seemed pretty powerful to me. Ouch!


Anna MR said...

Hei Miranda - I don't rightly know why it now feels so awkward to have written about it, but it does. Therefore, a big thank you for your supportive comment...


Reading the Signs said...

anna and nmj, I am truly touched by what you have said, but I wonder if this sits well with the kind of mean, gunslinging rockanroll image I have been working so hard to promote. Well, I can see that it might, at a stretch.

Now, about sorting your life out: for the moment, stay on the fags and booze until I (or someone else - don't be shy folks) comes up with perfected plan.

And I will share a story with you. When my kids were still small and I was at my wits' end because of M.E. I went, in desperation, to see a healer. She padded around with crystals and whatnot - it didn't shift anything, but what I remember is that I said something like, I'm worried because I can hardly take care of my children. She stopped what she was doing and said, in that case you must carry them in your heart and they will know and get what they need. It was a strange thing to say, but I took it away and have found it to be true. Of course the level at which they "know" is not the discursive or necessarily conscious one, and during the teenage years when it is sometimes possible to believe that one's children have been replaced by aliens you have to just believe it, however perilous everything seems on the outside.

And keep rockin' - natch.

Anna MR said...

Mean Mama Signs - thank god. I thought you'd abandoned me for good (my initial typo, and not for the first time, made that "god") - I have been all around the planet after you this evening. Where have you been hiding?

Regardless of you indecently going all AWOL, it's nice to see you. Thank you for passing on the healer's message and shhh - I know what she/you mean, even running the risk of sounding all New Age Dorky. These are the things that do work, but it is bloody hard work sometimes, regardless. As you would know better than I do. There are times when one would just prefer being carried in someones heart, rather than doing the carrying.

Incidentally, NEVER ask my mum what it was like carrying me in this fashion.


boldscot said...

Cummon Mr Anna, give us some excitement.
We are waiting for you.


Hey Anna MR - listen to Kurt (amongst others). The power of your telling was phenomenal. I can understand the desire to distance yourself from the post, and the squirming difficulty of all the uncomfortable feelings that follow such an intensely personal piece of writing - but do please give yourself a break.

I thought it was outstanding and that you did yourself very, very proud.

Kind regards etc.....


Anna MR said...

Why boldscot - how very nice to see you here.

I have been away, I have now returned, and excitement is surely on its way, for all concerned.

(You are so welcome to nip in again sometime.)


Anna MR said...

Dearest, kindest Mr Periodic - you know all your visits are held in the highest regard around these parts. And when you come bearing such high praise, it leaves me quite weak in the knee. Therefore, dear you - a big thank you. I shall try to take heed of what you say, but you know what it's like, it is difficult to live with one's own words, occasionally.


Kilts R Us said...

'You are so welcome to nip in again sometime'
Jeez-o, I mustapha been pissed.
Can remember nothing about the last time.

Anna MR said...

Mr Kilts'r'us - true as it may be, it's not very nice to tell a lady you don't remember visiting her before. So mind your manners in the future.

Otherwise, hello again and all the hearty welcomes that go with it.

Merkin said...

Quite correct, unforgiveable behaviour.
I plead 'a senior moment' as a good friend of mine is about to be declared 'an endangered species'.

Anna MR said...

Oho! That sounds potentially bad and certainly interesting. Coming for a look-see presently, Merkin...

LottieP said...

Wonderful link, by the way. So many amazing lines, but I pick these:

Home is where one starts from. As we grow older
The world becomes stranger, the pattern more complicated
Of dead and living.

Anna MR said...

The man is eminently quotable, isn't he.