Friday, April 06, 2007

You know the feeling

when you are so anxiety-riddled you cannot bear the presence of others and you would really need to tell them all to f*ck off, when all you want is to run down the street wailing aaaAAAaaaaAAAAAaaaaa? The condition is further exasperated by the impossibility of doing so.

I hold onto myself for support, literally, physically, my fingertips, so sensitive, my collarbone, my hipbone, actually properly feelable again - it is so good to have lost a fair amount of weight, thank you Philip Morris & Co., I love being thin(ner), it is good, it makes me feel closer to the surface - I am not starving myself, but one meal a day is good enough for most of mankind and it is good enough for me. I wrap my fingers into the protection position. I keep myself safe. In my future I see lonely-old-womanhood. That is ok. Aloneness is good. Loneliness is good. It is safe, it is clean, it is pure.

I feel a Pasolini Jesus Flick Moment coming on (NB I am not a religious loony). I will create a bubble around myself and allow the imagery and the music to wrap me up, to caress my heart and soul with pleasure and pain and vivid memories of my childhood, mine (and here my internal monologue puts words in your mouths like "by god she does write some poncy crap" and I am sorry but I have to tell it/you to f*ck off too. This is my blog and I'll put what I like on it).


Yes, guilty as charged, I am feeling bad, how uncool is that. So crucify me


nmj said...

I hold onto myself for support, literally, physically, my fingertips, so sensitive, my collarbone, my hipbone . . .

dear anna mr, this is quite lovely, though i know you are not having a
lovely time just now x

Anna MR said...

nmj - thank you - you know what I mean

The Moon Topples said...

I was planning to quote the exact same part, but include the "properly feelable" bit.

I am sorry to read that you are feeling this way. I wish you good things, but am still not sending you an easter egg.

happeningfish said...

Hugs, chica.

You know, just about everybody I know is feeling kinda bad right now. Not that it makes it any easier, but yeah, it feels like trying to claw your way out of a slippery well lately.

Chin up, though -- it's the sunlight is my theory. The sun comes back with energy galore, and we humans take a few weeks to get on its level; we're still in winter energy. The perceived difference between how great you think you should feel and how you actually feel is really depressing. Happens to me every year. But then again, no feeling, good or bad, lasts forever. I try to just accept my present crapitude as the starting point and be kind to myself.

Still, hurts enough, though.

happeningfish said...

make that an extra-big hug, by the way, in case you didn't get it properly the first time around.

Anna MR said...

Happeningfish - thank you for the thoughts and the hugs. I also reserve the right to completely nick the word "crapitude" from you.

Mr Moon - thank you too. I like you, although you are remarkably stingy with your Easter eggs.

The Moon Topples said...

I wouldn't say remarkably so...